I believe I am pretending not to know what I actually want to do in life.
I think the reason I am pretending not to know is because I know what deciding to take action on those things actually means. I know what the consequences are, and the thought of them is just more than I can push myself through at the moment.
Basically, it would mean changing almost all of my life. It means changing my surroundings, my environment, my home, the people in my life, and, in a way, myself.
It would mean changing myself because it would allow me to be who I really want to be. Which is part of the whole reason why I want it in the first place. I feel like I am not able to be my true self in my current situation. But I have been in it for so long that it has become somewhat of a trap.
I have a comfortable life, and that, I believe is one of the hardest traps to escape from - a comfortable life.
Because why would you? You have a great job, great social life, great relationships, everything is great, so why would you make that decision to just leave?
Because that is all on the surface, but everything on the inside is boiling. It's all just waiting to burst out, but the comfortable life you have created is not allowing that to happen.
That is the situation I am in, and that is also what I am pretending not to know. Because accepting all of that as the truth I feel inside means giving up on all of those things I have now. And as much as I sometimes feel like I just have to take that leap and do it, when the moment of truth comes, I just cant get myself across that lake. I can't take the required leap, and I just fall down, straight back to where i started.
The part that, out of impulse, says no to most things.
Though I may not mean it, and it just comes out right away, it gives others an impression of me that I feel does not represent who I am, or at least who I want to be.
Usually when it happens I initially say something like "wait" and then ask more questions or give a different answer such as "it depends", but it's a habit that I am trying to gid rid of.
It goes beyond just regular answers, though, when someone asks me if I want to go somewhere or do something, my initial response, or even just my initial thought, is no. Even if i get an email or a text message, my initial response is to push it away or to deny it, its a negative response.
This is the core of what I would want to change in me, the initial negative response to things and situations.
Even though I try to correct myself as quickly as I can, and to be more open, I notice that this happens a lot, and in so many situations. It affects my decisions, my relationships, and many aspects of my life.
Other than this, I believe that some of my other "flaws" are worth keeping, as they are what help shape me and they contribute to who I am. Without them I don't know who I would be.
I could get rid of all of my current flaws, and once I am done with that process, I will discover a new set of flaws. I believe it is endless. There will always be flaws, and this is something that I accept.
Of course, there are other things I would like to reduce, but this initial negative response to things is the main thing that I believe is holding me back in many situations and areas of my life.
If, when I speak to someone, they choose to react, or to listen.
Most of us just react when we are spoken to, it's become difficult to turn off the auto-react mode in our minds and to just listen to what the other person is saying and meaning.
When I speak to someone and can see and feel that they are actually listening, and not just coming up with responses and reactions to what am I saying, is what I really value in people.
Communication is important, but sometimes it requires us to not say a word, but to just listen.
I would like to be more open, and to be able to explain myself better.
Since I'm a pretty closed off person, its very difficult for me to explain things about myself.
Its also very difficult for me to community in general.
This is also true when there is something that I don't agree with, a situation I think differently about, or something that I want to do that others may think weird or even stupid (sometimes, these are the best ideas though!).
Being closed off and not open makes me not speak my mind, it makes me not do the things I would prefer to do.
So that's something that i would like to change about myself.
That there are as many worlds as there are people.
I don't know who said this originally, but when you think about it, it's one of the most logical things that can be said.
Everyone sees things through their own eyes, through their own perspective, and everyone has their own opinions about everything.
We all may share the same physical world, but we all see the world and experience it in a completely different way.
This is why we all live in our own worlds. This means, to some extent, that we are also the masters of our worlds.
We shape our world and our lives.
People are greedy for love.
People love power and money, power and money make people greedy.
I believe that greed and love both fuel humans, I don't think they contradict each other, on the contrary, I think they go hand in hand.
I think that a majority of what humans do is done for themselves. It's probably not as simple and straight forward as it sounds, but rather, it's at a deeper, sometimes unconscious level.
Doing good things for others, or simply doing things that we know will make others feel good, in return makes us feel good about ourselves. This, I believe, is a major factor in our decision-making process.
On top of this though, there is a motive, and unfortunately, many peoples motives come from greed for money and power, the two things they live for, which are often the same thing.
For others, their motives may come from a place of love.
But what is this love?
Are the actions and decisions we make not partially in order to make people love us more, or to keep the love we already have?
If that is the case, is it not greed for love that fuels those actions and decisions?