I believe I am pretending not to know what I actually want to do in life.
I think the reason I am pretending not to know is because I know what deciding to take action on those things actually means. I know what the consequences are, and the thought of them is just more than I can push myself through at the moment.
Basically, it would mean changing almost all of my life. It means changing my surroundings, my environment, my home, the people in my life, and, in a way, myself.
It would mean changing myself because it would allow me to be who I really want to be. Which is part of the whole reason why I want it in the first place. I feel like I am not able to be my true self in my current situation. But I have been in it for so long that it has become somewhat of a trap.
I have a comfortable life, and that, I believe is one of the hardest traps to escape from - a comfortable life.
Because why would you? You have a great job, great social life, great relationships, everything is great, so why would you make that decision to just leave?
Because that is all on the surface, but everything on the inside is boiling. It's all just waiting to burst out, but the comfortable life you have created is not allowing that to happen.
That is the situation I am in, and that is also what I am pretending not to know. Because accepting all of that as the truth I feel inside means giving up on all of those things I have now. And as much as I sometimes feel like I just have to take that leap and do it, when the moment of truth comes, I just cant get myself across that lake. I can't take the required leap, and I just fall down, straight back to where i started.