Divuni Mindfulness

I believe I am pretending not to know what I actually want to do in life.
I think the reason I am pretending not to know is because I know what deciding to take action on those things actually means. I know what the consequences are, and the thought of them is just more than I can push myself through at the moment.

Basically, it would mean changing almost all of my life. It means changing my surroundings, my environment, my home, the people in my life, and, in a way, myself.

It would mean changing myself because it would allow me to be who I really want to be. Which is part of the whole reason why I want it in the first place. I feel like I am not able to be my true self in my current situation. But I have been in it for so long that it has become somewhat of a trap.

I have a comfortable life, and that, I believe is one of the hardest traps to escape from - a comfortable life.
Because why would you? You have a great job, great social life, great relationships, everything is great, so why would you make that decision to just leave?

Because that is all on the surface, but everything on the inside is boiling. It's all just waiting to burst out, but the comfortable life you have created is not allowing that to happen.

That is the situation I am in, and that is also what I am pretending not to know. Because accepting all of that as the truth I feel inside means giving up on all of those things I have now. And as much as I sometimes feel like I just have to take that leap and do it, when the moment of truth comes, I just cant get myself across that lake. I can't take the required leap, and I just fall down, straight back to where i started.

The part that, out of impulse, says no to most things.

Though I may not mean it, and it just comes out right away, it gives others an impression of me that I feel does not represent who I am, or at least who I want to be.

Usually when it happens I initially say something like "wait" and then ask more questions or give a different answer such as "it depends", but it's a habit that I am trying to gid rid of.

It goes beyond just regular answers, though, when someone asks me if I want to go somewhere or do something, my initial response, or even just my initial thought, is no. Even if i get an email or a text message, my initial response is to push it away or to deny it, its a negative response.

This is the core of what I would want to change in me, the initial negative response to things and situations.
Even though I try to correct myself as quickly as I can, and to be more open, I notice that this happens a lot, and in so many situations. It affects my decisions, my relationships, and many aspects of my life.

Other than this, I believe that some of my other "flaws" are worth keeping, as they are what help shape me and they contribute to who I am. Without them I don't know who I would be.
I could get rid of all of my current flaws, and once I am done with that process, I will discover a new set of flaws. I believe it is endless. There will always be flaws, and this is something that I accept.

Of course, there are other things I would like to reduce, but this initial negative response to things is the main thing that I believe is holding me back in many situations and areas of my life.

This is actually a difficult question to answer, as both can lead to great experiences, even though they may seem like major negative things.

Having too much money and relying on that money can keep you in a very comfortable and safe zone, limiting the adventures and excitement in life.

Being alone allows you to better understand yourself, and to appreciate your own company, rather than relying on others.

People tend to rely on money and on other people to help them feel happiness, believing that those two are conditions to living a full and happy life.

Being alone or lonely isnt always a negative, being broke can cause you to go down new paths you may not have thought of if you had more money.

But, of course, its all a matter of perspective and how each of us define broke and lonely.