thoughts & more

I have never actually been able to understand my path. I have always had a goal for how I wanted my life to look and who I wanted to be, but I never found the path to get from where I am, to there.

At times, I would desperately look for the path and try to find my way to achieve my goals. At other times, I would be exhausted and have no motivation, I would wait for the path to find me. And then there were times when I was just open to what ever happens.

Neither have gotten me far. Neither have helped me reach the path to my goals, to what I desire. It is as if nothing I do actually alters where I am. Even when big changes occur, I somehow get back to the same place I have always been in. Far from the path I desire to be on, and farther from the destination.

Thinking about this, letting it sink in and coming to yet another realization that this is how my life is, still is, as it has been for so many years, demotivates me to the point where it is difficult to even think about doing anything to change my life.

The lack of motivation is addicting. It causes me to sink into more and more, making it more difficult to find my way out.

I know that this should not stop me, but it does slow me down. The only thing I can do is to think of constants, and to try and gain motivation from that thought. To understand what thing I want to have in my life, regardless of where I am in it and if things continue to be the same. To fight through the lack of motivation, and from within it. To continue moving forward, even while being pulled back.

What are the things I want in life that I can achieve? Things that I want regardless of what ever may happen later on.

These are the constants that I am defining. These are the things that, even if my life continues the same as it has been until now, or even if it gets worse, I will have those things that bring me joy, happiness, and eventually motivation.

These are the constants that, no matter where I am, I want to have.