I have started to notice that when someone disagrees with me or says something that is the opposite of what my answer is, I will instinctively say no.
The moment I finished saying no, I instantly notice that I had just done it again, I reacted instantly without really thinking.
When people actually prove me wrong, sometimes I will try to find my way around it to prove that, at the very least, I was not wrong and that both options are possible.
I do try and stop this or at least reduce this as much as I can, but so far I only notice myself doing this after I already failed to admit I am wrong.
I think that I am very dedicated to what I believe in and that if it's something that I really want, I will do what is needed for it.
With that said, I don't know if being a parent is what I want.
It's hard to say if you will be a good parent when you don't know if you even want to be a parent.
But, if I do decide that I will want to be a parent and actually do have kids, I believe that they will be my first priority over everything else. That I will devote everything I have so that they will have a better childhood than I did, and a better life than I did.
There is a lot of growing that I will need to do first before I can become a parent, or even think about defining myself as a good parent.
But if and when that moment comes, I will just do the very best I can.
As a kid and teenager, I knew my childhood for what it was, nothing out of the ordinary.
But, when I grew up, I started learning the truth.
The truth was that everything I knew about my childhood was not real.
Everything that was really going on in my family's life was actually hidden from me to the point where I had no idea about any of it.
Even when, as a kid, I would see things I probably was not supposed to see, I didn't really think much of it.
Now though, I understand what those situations really were.
Now I understand the truth. It did take some time, but eventually, I learned what was really going on.
So to answer this question: my childhood memories.
They felt real, the life felt real, but when I was told about everything that was actually happening, things started falling into place.
I started understanding certain situations and things I saw that I didn't understand or think much of last the time, and then I realized that everything I knew about my family as a child was just not the truth, it was a story told to protect a little kid.
Awkward silence, it happens all the time.
I don't know how to handle situations properly, when someone talks to me I can freeze, give them a very quick and conversation-ending answer, and then just stand there with them in awkward silence until one of us finds a way to walk away.
It happens on a daily basis, multiple times a day.
Even though I try to come prepared, I quickly learn that I am not prepared and that maybe it's not about being prepared at all, it's just who I am.
I am not a talkative person, I don't have great people skills, and I certainly do not know how to hold a conversation properly.
When I do manage to have lengthy conversations it's usually other people who do the talking, and I just ask questions to try and show that I am actually interested in what is being said. Because most of the time, I really am interested, I just don't know how to show it properly.
The moment it's my turn to answer, to tell a story, or to just talk, I have absolutely nothing to say, I go completely blank, and I either say something that pretty much closes the conversation, or I say something strange and in a strange way.
This is how socially awkward I am.
Though it has gotten better with the years, and I learned to just not pay too much attention to it.
Basically, I accepted it, it's who I am, and while I will try to improve it, I will not stress over it also.
When I thought that I had driven my car off the side of a mountain.
I was on a road trip and was driving over mountains, on roads with no railing, and along the way I thought to myself how bad it would be to make a mistake and drive off the road, you would just tumble down the mountain to your death.
I tried to drive extra carefully, but one pothole in the road was all that was needed to get me to lose control of the car and drift of the road.
Luckily, that portion of the road was surrounded by trees and was not as high as the rest of the way, so I didn't end up tumbling to my death.
But in the 2.5 seconds that I was heading for the cliff, I was in complete shock and thought that this could be it. When the car stopped, and I was still alive and near the road, I think all I could do was to start laughing.
That could have ended completely differently just a few moments eariler.
When we are wrong.
When we make a mistake, either in our actions or our words, people normally have a very hard time admitting it.
This is especially true when we are blamed for things. Even though it may be true and whatever happened was our fault, the moment we are blamed for it we will try to play it down as if it's not a big deal, or just straight out try and convince the other side that it is not our fault and that we are not wrong.
Some people have this worse than others. Some cannot have conversations without claiming things that are not true, and when confronted about those things, they just won't admit that they were wrong. Some will lie, some will make up stories, and some will try to change the situation in their favor, to prove that what they said is correct.
I think this is something that most of us do, as people, even if it's not on purpose, we just can't help it, we don't like being wrong.
I would probably work on my personal project.
Having three, mostly full days, to work on that rather than in the company I work for means that I can get a lot done on my own project!
I would still do the other things I would normally do during those days like going to the gym, but instead of working around 8 hours a day for someone else's company, I would work those 8 hours each day for my own personals goals.
I like to live a life that is more open to possibilities and changes.
I think that changes, as hard as they may sometimes be, can make our lives much more interesting and fuller. They can bring with them new experiences and adventures.
I guess that without even trying really, I just let things happen by themselves, and don't really plan too much ahead, if at all.
I do, however, have general big picture goals for the future, goals for which I have different plans on achieving, but these goals can be achieved in many different ways and in different locations, so the plans can always change.
Depending on what it is, I would like to try and figure things out for myself first, and if eventually I cannot figure it out, then I would ask for peoples advice.
There is nothing wrong with asking others first, its just a matter of preference, I personally like the challenge of figuring things out myself, so sometimes I may insist on not asking others.
But again, it depends on the situation and what its about.
I am not very good at being social. Even though some times I really do try to socialize and have conversations, most of the time I just have nothing to say to others, which just leaves us in a state of awkward silence.
That's something that I have always been working on, but its just not something that is easily changeable since its part of who I am, but its not who I want to be, at least not all the time.
